When Father’s Day Hurts: A Reflection for Childless Women

Father’s Day. It’s not supposed to be our day. But for many childless women—especially those not by choice—it can still hit hard, and hit unexpectedly. In my own life, and in many client sessions, Father’s Day creeps in like a quiet ache. An ache not just for what’s missing, but for what could have been. It’s a day that can amplify longing, regret, and grief in surprising ways.

This post is for you if Father’s Day brings up feelings you don’t feel allowed to have. I want to name them here—some of the most common stories and emotional currents that arise, including my own. This is not an exhaustive list. If something resonates with you, or you have your own version, I’d love to hear it.

When You See Your Partner Grieve

Some of us are in relationships where both partners have faced the heartbreak of not having children together. On Father’s Day, we see their grief—maybe they retreat, maybe they’re quiet, maybe they’re visibly sad. Watching a man you love carry his own quiet burden of “what might have been” can bring a mix of guilt, helplessness, and sorrow. It might feel like a shared wound—but grieving in different ways can feel uncomfortable, and even isolating.

When Your Partner Does Have Children

Perhaps your partner is a father—but not to your children. Maybe they had children in a previous relationship. Perhaps you love them, or perhaps you’re doing your best to accept what can be a difficult situation—but on this day, it can feel like someone else’s celebration of the very dream you lost. You’re witnessing balloons, cards, laughter… from the outside. That can stir up jealousy, envy, or a silent “Why not me?”

Sometimes we are expected to celebrate them as a father and sometimes they were unwilling or unable to have more children with you. These moments can sting. It can surface a storm of resentment, confusion, grief, and pain. These feelings are completely natural. They don’t make you unkind or selfish—they make you human, trying to survive a day that asks you to cheer for something you lost.

When You Don’t Have a Partner

For those of us without a partner—not by choice—Father’s Day can shine a light on that other missing piece. The partner we never met, or never got to build a life with. The dream we had of parenting with someone we loved. Another holiday where we feel excluded and alone. It’s not just about children—it’s about love, belonging, companionship. And on days like this, the absence can feel particularly stark.

This day can also resurface memories of past relationships. Maybe a former partner went on to have children with someone else. Maybe you weren’t ready then. Maybe you were unable to have children at that time for whatever reason. Or maybe you were left—rejected by someone who chose to build the family you dreamed of with someone else. Those memories don’t just sit quietly in the background; they can roar back on days like this.

When You're Rewriting the Past

Sometimes, the pain isn’t just about the future that never arrived—but also about the past. Some of our stories about becoming childless were shaped, in part, by the relationship we had—or didn’t have—with our father.

In my case, my parents separated when I was 11, and my already-absent father became even less available. I was determined that my child would never experience that absence. I made choices, waited for the right partner—someone I felt certain would stay. I met that person at 39. We tried, and we failed to have children. It was too late.

So when Father’s Day comes around, we can grieve the father we wished we had, and the choices we made and how those shaped our future.

When Your Own Father Is Absent, Estranged, or Lost

Maybe you’ve lost your father. Or maybe you’re estranged. Perhaps your father has a serious illness that has radically changed him. Maybe he’s alive, but emotionally unreachable.

For many of us, Father’s Day adds weight to an already heavy emotional backpack. We’re already carrying the grief of being childless—not by choice—and then another stone is added. More grief. More loss. More silence around a day that celebrates something we feel shut out from.

Even if you had a perfect relationship with your dad, if he’s now gone or changed, it can feel like a profound loss to carry that alongside your childlessness. These layers of grief are real. They deserve recognition. Whatever your situation is—I see you. And I send you love and compassion.

When You Wonder If You're "Allowed" to Feel Anything at All

When we do feel something stir for this holiday, I often hear a quiet questioning: “Do I even have the right to feel anything about Father’s Day?” It’s a day meant for others—for dads, for families, for celebration. And if we’re not part of that picture, it can feel like we’re trespassing on something that doesn’t belong to us.

But for many childless women, the day does stir something. Sometimes it’s grief. Sometimes it’s resentment. Sometimes just a vague sense of discomfort or disconnection. And sometimes it’s... nothing. And that’s okay too.

Whether Father’s Day barely registers for you or whether it carries a sharp edge—it all belongs. You don’t need to justify your experience. You don’t need a “valid” reason to feel what you feel. If this day lands in your body in some way, there’s space for that here.

To Those Who Recognize Themselves Here

Whether you're grieving alongside a partner, carrying memories of a painful past, navigating Father’s Day without a support system, or feeling the layered grief of losing your own father—you are not alone.

There is no right or wrong way to feel on this day. No permission required. No need to hold it all together. However it shows up for you, your experience is real and worthy of compassion.

If you feel moved to share how Father’s Day lands in your life, I’d love to hear your story. When we speak these truths aloud, they become just a little less heavy. And we remember—we’re not alone in this.

With tenderness,

Sandra